Crumbling
by Nutella Swirl
Summary: "Raph is crumbling. I'm crumbling. My whole world is crumbling, and I don't know if I can save it. Because if I couldn't save it before, how can I save it now?" Leo tries to stay strong after a tragedy, but if nothing can ever be the same again, if nothing can ever be okay again, what's the point? One-shot.


**A/N: Whoops, haven't written anything in almost a month... welp! Anyway, hey guys, I'm back with a new story! It's just a little plot bunny sort of thing that's been hopping around in my mind for a bit.**

 **Also, a quick side note: if you're waiting for an update for _Behind the Mask..._ not sure when (and if) I'm going to update it. I kinda lost interest in it. :/ **

**Anyway. Here goes!**

 **I don't own TMNT.**

* * *

The lair is silent.

That's the usual now.

I wish it wasn't. I wish it was the same. I miss the tinkering of Donnie working in his lab, the clatter of equipment being moved around, the shatters of glass, the _BOOM_ s of explosions. I miss the beeping of the oven and microwave, the music of a movie or show blaring on the TV, the ringing of Mikey's laugh. No matter how annoying those sounds were back then, I'd do anything to hear them again now. I miss them.

I miss _them_. My brothers.

But I'll never see them, or hear them, again.

Because they're gone.

Gone _forever._

 _All because of me..._

I lean against the door of my room. Back when things were the same, I made sure everything was neat and organized. Now, I don't care. There's papers, weapons, remnants of my gone family that I don't bother to clean or pick up. What's the point, anyway?

What's the point of _anything_ now, anyway?

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying not to let tears leak through. I'm winning so far, but I'm not sure how long I can keep this up.

I'm trying to stay strong. Really. I am. Not for myself, but for my only remaining family member: Raph.

Raph.

Raph.

 _Raphael._

The oldest brother among all my brothers. The hothead. The toughest. The strongest.

The one I'm closest with.

He isn't even punching the punching bag in the dojo, or beating up criminals topside, or doing anything he normally does in tough times. He's just in his room. Grieving, probably, like I am.

 _Blaming himself, probably, like I do all the time in a screwup like this..._

 _But this is my_ worst _screwup ever..._

I should go to him. I should check up on him.

I should show I care about him.

Because I do. I _really_ do.

I just don't know if I can keep my fearless, everything-is-going-to-be-okay facade on if I go to him.

Because I don't _know_ if everything will be okay. Because right now, everything is crumbling apart, like a cookie someone stomped on again and again and again.

Raph is crumbling. I'm crumbling. My whole _world_ is crumbling, and I don't know if I can save it...

 _...Because if I couldn't save it before, how can I save it_ now _?_

My heart races. I squeeze my eyes shut tighter as thoughts fly in my mind, trying to bury the memories I don't want to relieve again into the forgotten dark depths in my brain.

Because that day-

THAT day-

 _No no no don't think about that don't think about that DON'T THINK DON'T THINK-_

My lungs feel like they're closing in on me. _I can't breathe I can't breathe I can't-_

 _BREATHE._

 _Breathe._

I take deep breaths, trying to still my racing heart, trying to forget it all and reassure myself as I soak in the silence. _I'm okay. I'm okay. It's okay. Everything's going to be-_

A strangled cry cuts into the peaceful flow of my mantra.

But it's not mine.

"RAPH!"

Forgetting about the fact that my calm facade is going to fall off no matter what, I pull the door open and sprint to Raph's room for the first time in- I don't even know how long.

"RAPH! Are you o-"

The sight of my red clad brother stops me.

My strongest brother, my brother who hates showing his emotions (aside from anger, of course), is collapsed on the floor. Tears drip down his face like a cascading waterfall, soaking his red mask, dripping onto two other cloths in his hands: one purple, one orange.

 _Donnie and Mikey's masks._

"Raph," I whisper. I search my brain for words of comfort, but I only draw a blank.

I don't know what to do. I step closer to him and sit down. Trying not to break in front of him.

Because I miss them and it's all my fault that they're gone because I'm the leader, I was supposed to _protect_ them, but I didn't, I failed, I'm a failure, I'm a screw up, and because of that, because of my mistake, nothing will ever be the same again, nothing will be ever be _okay._ So how can I even try to comfort Raph if I myself know there's nothing to comfort him about? Yet _another_ sign of my failure as a leader, as a protector, as a _brother_...

"F-Fearless?"

Raph's broken voice slices through my masquerade. I can't hold back the tears anymore. They fall, as fast as Raph's, if not faster.

 _Fearless._ What a lie. I'm not fearless. If I was, then none of this would have _ever_ happened...

Suddenly, strong arms engulf me, almost crushing me, yet solacing nonetheless.

But no hug - not even from _Raph,_ the resilient ninja who doesn't need or give hugs - can stop the tears from falling, or stop my heart from aching, or change the fact that I have failed.

"I failed," I whisper between tears into Raph's shoulder. "I failed and now Donnie and Mikey are gone, they're gone _forever,_ Raph! Nothing will ever be the same again. I wanted to tell you it was going to be okay." I choke on my gushing tears. "But how could I if it was just going to be a lie? Nothing is ever going to be okay again, Raph. _Nothing._ "

Raph slowly pulls out of the super-long hug, but keeps an arm around my shoulder. "Look at me, Leo," he says.

With a shaking hand, I wipe my tears and look into Raph's emerald green orbs. There are tears still in his eyes, but at least they aren't falling as fast as they were before.

"You saved me," he says. "You didn't fail, Leo. There was no way me _or_ you could have reached the others in time. But you managed to save me. That- that proves that you _didn't_ fail. Maybe you didn't succeed perfectly, but you did okay. You did what you could. And even if things will be different, forever, we're still together. Things will be okay, it's just gonna take some time."

I look down as I struggle not to cry again. "They _needed_ me, Raph. But I couldn't save them..."

Pictures of Donnie and Mikey moribund flash into my mind. I try to shake them out, but I can't.

 _I failed them..._

The tears return.

I see a pained look flash into Raph's eyes, probably because the memory's returning to him, too. But it quickly disappears.

He swiftly pulls me into another surprise hug. "Neither could I, Leo," he whispers. " _Neither_ of us could have done anything. And it hurts, I know it does, it hurts me, too. But at least... at least we're alive." I feel something wet land on my cheek. I look at Raph and realize he's crying, too.

"I wish it was me. Not _them._ " I squeeze my eyes shut. _What wouldn't I have done to save them..._

"Me, too. But- but for now, we're just going to have to stay strong."

"It's so hard," I whisper.

"I know," Raph answers, his eyes shut in hidden suffering. "But maybe we can do it. _Together._ "

I bury myself deeper into his hug. Tears are still falling down my cheeks, and his, too. But still, I murmur, with the little hope I have left, "Maybe."

* * *

 **A/N: Ahhhhhhhh! That has to be one of the saddest one-shots I've ever written. Sorry for any tears! :(**

 **If you're wondering what happened to Donnie and Mikey... I don't have an answer for that. It's up to you to decide.**

 **Reviews/feedback are always appreciated. :)**


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